My Body Image

Lately I’ve been thinking of what to do about my weight. I weigh 160 pounds and I am only 5’9”, which some say my weight is good for my height. I just don’t believe that I’m skinny. I have negative body image, which is a distorted perception of my shape, and I am convinced that only other people are attractive and that my body size or shape is a sign of complete failure. Yes, I do feel ashamed and self-conscious of my body. I am ‘okay’, but id really like to lose some weight to fit other people’s standards. I guess you can say that I feel uncomfortable and awkward in my body. Sometimes if I feel fat enough, I don’t eat anything, my appetite changes a lot and my stomach shrinks so I don’t have to eat as much. I figured out that people with a negative body image have a greater likelihood of developing an eating disorder, and I probably apply for that too. I do suffer from feelings of depression, isolation (only sometimes), and low self-esteem. 

People say all I need to do is eat healthy or exercise but, the eating part is something I am failing at. Sometimes when I am having a good day I have a positive body image. I feel proud and I accepted the fact that I can’t be perfect for anybody but myself. But I barely eat anymore, and exercise is hard to do alone. Its like telling someone to figure it out on their own. My body image is forever changing, just like everyone else’s. It is sensitive to our mood swings, physical environment, and our experiences. I’d much rather just take diet pills or something fast and easy. Friends tell me that they aren’t healthy for your body system and others warn me and tell me just not to take them or look for them. My mom tells me I am gaining a little bit too much weight, and so I refrain from eating too many meals a day or not at all. Sometimes if I say I’m not hungry she asks me if I am taking diet pills and acts all worried. Sometimes I say “I Wish” And she freaks out on me and tells me not to think that way. 

But to be honest, diet pills seem faster. I mean look at all those commercials; every woman that takes them looks great after like 3 weeks! So they deceive me and make me feel ugly, fat, and uncomfortable. I think I just need to have a body trainer live with me and keep an eye on what I do and what I eat so I can get in shape. Or I can just go to TNA (Workout center) or the rec-center to work out 3 times a week. Only Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Sounds easy right? But motivation is what I lack right now, no self-confidence what so ever. NO help from anyone either, just comments that make me sigh and say “Well that sure makes me feel good…” My guy friends tell me I’m hot when I complain about my weight or tell me that I’m fine, but I ignore their comments because I believe I could look way better then I already do. Every time I look in the mirror, I suck in my gut and turn to the side and I look great, but when I let it out, its like BAM! Fatty McFat Fat. People say that mirrors don’t lie but women’s perceptions of their bodies fluctuate dramatically, But I’m okay. Just a bit chubby, and I’m sure I could change. I just need to be a little more confident in myself because I know no ones going to do it for me. I need to believe in myself, and sooner or later I will feel comfortable in my body, and soon love what I look like!

Have a body Image problem? Only for now…

Regret

Miles and miles of it,
Trails throughout my life.
Echoing my footsteps,
A reminder of places I've yet gone.
The love I have not yet felt,
Words that I haven't spoken.
Past actions that taunt my heart,
And memories I'd never forget.
It taunts me, this word,
Say it aloud, Regret.
Explanations I have yet to do,
Easier to be said, then done.

What Fox Has to Say: 

I wrote this poem mainly because I have been doing alot of thinking about my actions. The things I've done and the stuff  I have yet to do. Amazing what thoughts can produce when you think of the word regret. You imagine everything you've said or done that disappointed you or someone else so badly that you wished you could have taken it back. Something you've done that stays right there in your mind and never leaves you alone until you feel the pain, the wrath of the others around you. People tend to say they regret doing things, but dont know why. Because somehow they know that they did it because they wanted to, with no intention of hurting anyone or hurting themselves. When it all comes down to it, regret is just something that stays there hidden or seen, I regret alot of things and somehow, knowing that I regret them, makes me stop regretting. If that makes any sense.

Dear Diary...

 

 

 

Dear Diary,

There's always a point in your life where you have uncontrolable questions. Questions in which cannot be answered. You spend a long period of time searching for those answers when in all the answer is in you. Those questions are unanswerable until put in the hands of those who ask it. I've found it to be more difficult in life when all you do is smile fake. The fake smiles put there to reasure everyone else you're fine. Making it so they dont have questions such as, "did I make her like this?" "what did I say?" Why must life find ways to bring down the weak? I'm weak, but then again so are you. People tend to call themselves hard. Hard? No. You seem to be as hard as a kitten in a rainstorm. There's always gonna be a weak spot. You're weak. Face the facts. I hit myself hard in the face a while back. Asking questions isn't always the best for some of us. "Can I sit and listen?" "Sure, go ahead!" BAM! Right in the face. I've seen the light. That was the start to a new begining. A new friendship. A new source of brokeness. Goodbye. Life seems to repeat itself. I dont know, we've done it all before. There's been wars and afairs and death and despair. We've cried and laughed day after day. We're dull and predictable. Kids are born and the elderly die. Yet, the unpredictable happens. And sometimes we feel like we can't make it on our own, so we look for help. More questions. You need to realize the truth in life. We live on our own inside. Because every mistake comes with a benefit; mistakes we made due to choices of our own. Solemn. I'm not deep, but then again, neither are you. You just think. Think a little bit harder. Get to the center of your most inner thoughts, and see it's nothing but a joke. We think and think so we can come up with words to describe our emotion, but our emotions can only be described with the motion of our body. Give up. You cant dream a thought or think a dream. Dreams come from what we feel, but can't see. Why do you think dreams are so out of place? You can day dream with thoughts, but what thought would be realistic? Your day dreams only meet your desires. Shut up. You cant speak without motion. Talk with your hands if you wanna be so specific. Stop studering you fool. There's no reason why you can't speak what you're thinking. If you know what it is, speak it don't splurr it. Dream it don't think it. Feel it, don't say it. I speak my mind so why don't you? Just breathe. Exhale and forget. Gurdges only make you weaker. Remembering every horrible thing done to you can hold you back. Sit in a dark room with your eyes wide open. Things will be alot clearer. Those voices in your head telling you to shut your eyes, they make you weak. Don't fear the nature. Fear your mind, it can decieve. Dear Diary, I'm afraid, but then again ...so are you.

　
　

Next Color...

Throughout the time that I have become a teen, Ive dyed my hair several colors. I started with blue streaks, then went to the extremes. Between half blue, half black to all these other colors such as red, purple, green, pink, orange, yellow, turqoise, and many others. It all seems new to me to start doing more then just one color. I started doing two tones a few months ago doing a dark dark green and orange around the eyes so that it went with my mad hatter costume, to a light green, yellow, and orange. With black underneath of course, I have yet to dye all my hair one color or even two or three. Im taking my time, and making sure my hair stays healthy. With the help of my personally hair dresser, whom might I add worked with Paul Mitchell and Vidal Sassoon doing hair in front of thousands of people and being really good at it. I know her personally and honey, that woman is my mama. Her name is Deanica Deanda and man is she good at hair!! Of course being the teenager I am, I test her and show her pictures of any hair style that I want and she does it! I make sure that she does it right even though I am no good at cutting, razoring, or styling hair except my own. She helps me dye my hair and sometimes does my make up. I love my mom, of course I do dress myself and do everything on my own, though sometimes I need my mothers help. Lately my hair has been fading to swampy colors and soon after I grow out my hair, making it stronger and healthier, Im going to have to dye my hair again. Because frankly, normal isnt in my vocabulary or in my appearance. I have a few colors to choose from that I already have which are; Midnight Blue, Purple, Yellow, Green, Orange, and I believe a nice Ruby Red. Of course I want to two tone half my head and yet I dont know what colors to choose from. I could do Orange and Yellow, or Blue and purple, or Yellow and Green. But I cannot choose any color that I have. I have the option to buy other colors but I might as well use up the colors I already bought. Well technically my mother bought them for me cause she is spectacular.. (sometimes. You know how mama's are..) But what on earth should I choose? I could by the hot pink they have at this store here called Jacks Alley, Of course my mom would rather order from a professional hair color place such as Manic Panic or this other one that I cannot remember but makes my hair smell really good when dying it. It just gets so hard to want to dye my hair that sometimes I get the urge to just let my hair just grow. But only to the extent to where my hair is healthy enough to bleach and redye a different color. Such big choices for one small little thing, complicated huh? Well, it gets easy after a while. Like they say about piercings and tattoos, Once you get yourself tatted or pierced once, you'll do it again and again. The same goes for hair dying and I do plan on getting my snakebites, hips, bridge and my septum re-pierced sometime soon. Taking one step at a time though, my mom worrys when I get too much done in one time. She feels rushed, but I bet she'd rather have me as a daughter then have two of me running around. I was supposed to have a twin brother but he didnt survive considering I was a tubal pregnancy and a miracle baby that killed my mom 3 times before I was officially born. Ha ha.. Man does she complain about that often.... But anyhoo, Hair color is a hard decision... Help!!!!

Scary Thoughts

Have you ever just looked outside your window and pictured something way different then what officially sat outside your window? Like in reality you had a plain old street sitting out there, stop signs, cars, maybe just a grassy lawn. But when you stared hard at it, like you were fading into its green abyss you saw something else. Perhaps you saw some strange creature just staring back at you with large yellow eyes and green drool coming from his mouth. You'd laugh and picture something else, fairies just flying close to the window seal and tapping on it wanting you to come out and join them in all the fun. Of course you wouldn't, its just a thought, a wild apparition that you've created on your own. But you'd create some wild things from war, creatures of any shape or size, tsunami's, and maybe even hell. Sitting there with all these wild thoughts flying here from there, then soon having them evaporate to the back of your mind. Its fun isnt it? The fact that your mind can do some fantastic things just freaks you out, make you see stuff all over the place whether you thought of it or not. It automatically does it, just follows you everywhere. Soon you start to freak out, see things in your room that surely cannot be there. You get scared, too scared to go anywhere you think something might pop up and scare you out of your pants. But then you remember, you snap back to reality and know that everything that you are afraid of right now, is all in your mind. You created it, and you can take it away. Just think happy thoughts, rainbows, unicorns, candy, and other things that make you happy. And you do, you imagine all these things and then soon, its all over. Your safe inside your own head, until it starts again.

LifeCycle:)

A maple tree
Simple with its design
Changing with every season
Like the life cycle of humans
It breathes in the heat of summer
The cold of winter
And the fresh air of fall
Standing there aging with the land
Like a child growing to an adult
The tree does not wilt like a flower
In a vase on your table
The tree simply exists
Its leaves soak up the sun
The roots deep in the soil
Hunting for a cool refreshing drink
It turns from a new green
To the color of a Bengal tiger
Then to the color of blood
Changing with every season
As if it were dying its hair
Any color that it pleases
But when the fall hits the roots
The tree stands up tall
Ready for a new color
A new life
Its leaves drift from the branches
To the pale green grass
In the crisp cold of winter
The tree covered in crystal
Leaves holding on for its life
As the cold kills its joy
Till it can grow its maple leaves
And continue on existing
In a land that can breathe
The heat of the summer
The new life in the fall
The cold of the winter

Dear Hopeless Sandpaper

You broke what you had
Your heart left there in pieces
You did that on your own
Not his diseases

The disease of love
Wasn’t ever his fault or yours
It was all false hope
You both ignored

Claiming he’s the problem
Though he tried to make it work
Calling him out on his bluff
Where demons lurk

Tore him to pieces
Ripping his flesh from his bones
You say you’re lost here
When he’s the one alone

You haven’t learned
What you’re feeling he feels
You’re surrounded by bars,
While he lacks a shield

He has grown stronger
Now standing on his own
Look whose calling whose bluff
You’re left to weep and moan

You move guy to guy
Searching for what you left behind
You’re now worn and ugly
While he’s polished and shined